Chef’s daughter Bella told him she thinks I’m never coming back. Her exact words were, “Dad, how many times did you change your mind when you were twenty five.”

In all honesty, I can see where she’s coming from. I know that it’s been his insecurity all this time as well. I can’t imagine what he must be going through. ALl said and done, in the end I AM a 25 year old girl and he is 54. As far as numbers go, it doesn’t look good. When we go out, he’s the envy of his older buddies but deep down inside, they think he’s setting himself up for failure. But he’s a smart man. Not to second guess him or anything, but I sometimes wonder if he’s holding himself back or simply isn’t as into me as it seems so he can protect himself? Am I being paranoid? Coz the thing is, if I were in his place I’d treat me strictly as a good time. I’d avoid getting too tangled up and I’d avoid taking any talk of marriage and babies too seriously.

It’s been a freaking hard one week. I’m mostly okay during the day. But sometimes in the evening, I’ll think about rolling a joint and shooting the breeze with someone and I realise there’s no one in the world I want to smoke a J with except him and there’s no one who will listen to my BS with as much humour as he does. I miss that. At night of course it’s a whole different story. Let’s just say my fingers aren’t nearly as effective and the pretence isn’t half as exciting as his physical presence.

I realise that Bella doesn’t want her father’s heart broken and I respect that. I only hope he isn’t going to be taken in by her talk and feel the need to distance himself from me. If he did think I was untrustworthy, he wouldn’t talk about sending me money, right? To my savings account. For to go to Italy next year. And he wouldn’t be applying for a fiance visa for me, right?